somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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