the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
