It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
