I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
