somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
my god I love twenty year old dicks
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
