I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
