he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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