I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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