I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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