Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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