I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
