i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
