john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My dick has a subreddit
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
