Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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