i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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