just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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