I need help removing her.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
