Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
