Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
