I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize