his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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