Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
