Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
