The strip club called, they have your shoe.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
