I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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