stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's blow job season.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
