I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
