Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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