Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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