Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize