if i can run in heels then i can drive
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize