how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
