hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
