a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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