hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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