the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i need some magic done to my vagina
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
