What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
