my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
