Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
