You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
