Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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