Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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