I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
