I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
