PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
