I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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