Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
