You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
