Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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