Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
