i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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