i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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