enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
