why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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