He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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