i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize