do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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