When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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