Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
