bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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